


In Our Bedroom After the War

by TheFandomLesbian



Series: Angela's Raulson One-Shots [33]
Category: American Horror Story, American Horror Story: Roanoke
Genre: Angst, F/F, Plot What Plot/Porn Without Plot, Shameless Smut, Shaudrey - Freeform, Smut, raulson - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-25
Updated: 2019-01-25
Packaged: 2019-10-16 04:02:38
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,366
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17542304
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheFandomLesbian/pseuds/TheFandomLesbian
Summary: After emerging from hell, Shelby and Audrey share a hotel room while waiting for tomorrow to come.





	In Our Bedroom After the War

**Author's Note:**

> For a prompt requesting Shaudrey smut.

“Wake up, say good morning to  
That sleepy person lying next to you.  
If there's no one there, then there's no one there.  
But at least the war is over.” -Stars, “In Our Bedroom After the War”

...

The flickering fluorescent lights of the police station illuminated the interrogation room in a crepuscular-type shadow. Blood dribbled out of Audrey’s mouth as she leaned forward. “May we leave now, Officer?” Her voice cracked. It was the voice of a broken woman. She hung her head where she sat beside Shelby. “We’ve told you everything we know. We just--” Beside her, Shelby hiccuped through another dry, heaving sob. The police had taken them into custody after the hospital released them. “I just want to go home, now.” 

The officer’s dark eyes darted across the table to Shelby. “We have reviewed the footage taken from inside the Roanoke house, Mrs. Miller--” 

“Miss.” Shelby had never looked so gray, but she corrected him nonetheless. The surface of her eyes shimmered. She did not shed another tear. She had cried enough to dehydrate herself. “It’s Miss Miller.” 

He cleared his throat and shuffled the papers in front of him. “Of course.  _ Miss _ Miller. We have decided, in light of the footage we recovered, to make no arrests at this time.” A shiver passed through Shelby’s body. Audrey touched her shoulder. Shelby shrugged her off. “However, I advise you to stay close by and contact a lawyer. I feel it would be wise for you to be prepared for the worst case scenario. You may need to appear before a grand jury to decide if you ought to be indicted.” 

Audrey stiffened in her chair. “You can’t be serious!” Her rank, greasy clothing hung from her body with its gross bloodstains and oil marks. “As much as we’ve been through--you’re trying to decide if Shelby committed a crime?” Shelby’s blue eyes averted, clinging to the stark, gray tile floor. She didn’t move in response to Audrey’s outburst. She hadn’t moved much since the police had recovered her from the scene. Maybe holding still made her feel closer to death, closer to Matt.  _ I wish I were closer to Rory.  _ Audrey’s throat closed up. She had swallowed so much blood that her stomach ached. “Do you even hear yourself? What else does the footage show? Our friends--our  _ husbands _ being haplessly tortured and murdered! While no one checked on us! No one even bothered to notice that all of us were dying!” 

“Audrey,” Shelby whispered, placating her, and Audrey gave an infuriated huff. 

The police officer blinked as he struggled to maintain his composure. “Be that as it may, Miss Tindall--”

“ _ Mrs.  _ Tindall,” she corrected icily. 

He bit back a sigh. “I extend my sympathies to both of you, and it is my hope that we will not be forced to press charges against anyone. As far as I’m concerned, the guilty people are no longer with us.” Audrey sat up a little taller, assured with herself, but the officer held up a hand. “ _ However,  _ Mrs. Tindall, it is not my decision to make. And until I have explicit instructions to arrest one of you…” As he said this, he looked at Shelby again, and Audrey knew he had seen the footage of Shelby killing Matt. “…you’re both free to go. I’ll be in touch, ladies.” 

The cool air of mid-October stung on Audrey’s exposed arms as she stepped out of the police station. She folded her arms across her chest. Her blouse was torn in places. The inside of her mouth tasted sour. The empty place where she had once had a tooth ached and tasted badly. The hospital had packed the bleeding area of her gum with cotton, but she had pushed it out with her tongue by accident, and now it tasted like the smell of a menstrual pad that had been worn overnight. Beside her, in the low evening light, Shelby hovered, her eyes downcast. Audrey scanned her once. “I called an Uber.” Blue eyes darted to her in the moonlight. Shelby’s haggard face regarded her with wary surprise. “Do you have somewhere to stay tonight?” 

The question begged an answer from Shelby--a verbal answer, more than the single quipped words she had provided since she emerged from hell in one piece. Her lips parted, but her voice didn’t come out. Audrey waited. “I…” She had a strong, low voice, something Audrey had struggled to replicate when performing, but now, she sounded so utterly defeated. The unyielding glint of steel in her eyes had died. “My mother is coming from Los Angeles to get me.” She lifted her gaze to the sky. All of the stars reflected in her eyes. The moonlight shone on her face and glimmered through her pale, tangled, greasy hair. “She’ll be here in a few days. She didn’t want to fly, in case someone recognizes me on the plane…” 

She didn’t look at Audrey, but Audrey couldn’t take her eyes off of her. “What about tonight?” Audrey asked again. 

The night breeze ruffled their tattered clothing. Shelby crossed her arms. Goosebumps appeared all over her limbs. “I don’t know,” she whispered. Audrey tiptoed nearer to her, placing a tender hand on her bicep. Shelby flinched, but she didn’t shake her off. “I… I suppose I’ll go get my car, and… and go somewhere.” 

All of the hair on the back of Audrey’s neck stood up. She knew Shelby had parked her car somewhere near the house. Audrey didn’t want her to go back, ever. “I have a hotel.” The moonstruck eyes moved from the immensity of the universe to Audrey’s face. “You can stay with me until your mother comes… I hardly have anywhere else to go.” It was the hotel room she had rented with Rory. They had reserved it for the days when they would be at the house so they had somewhere to leave their belongings--after all, neither of them were hurting for money. Audrey touched her throat with a few absent fingers. “I imagine it will be a few days before I can arrange a flight home.” 

Audrey had a lot of wealth and a lot of power, but even she couldn’t alter flight schedules. She was trapped here a few nights more. Shelby looked back at the sidewalk, shuffling her feet through the cigarette butts there on the cracked pavement. She gave a broken nod. “That… That would be nice. Thank you.” Audrey wrapped her hand around the inside of Shelby’s wrist. Shelby flinched. All of the muscles in her forearm tensed. Through her thin, pale skin, the wrist bones shifted, and the muscles pulled taut, and in a tight voice, Shelby said, “Please, don’t.” She pulled away. A harsh breath hitched in her throat. “Please. I don’t… I can’t have that right now.” 

_ Can’t have what? _ Audrey pursed her lips at Shelby’s confusing behavior.  _ I want a hug.  _ She wanted, wanted so desperately, to grab onto Shelby and hold her and never let go--Shelby had been there. Shelby  _ knew. _ Shelby understood. But, withdrawing her hand, she nodded. “Alright. I’m sorry.” The side of Shelby’s face intrigued her, mostly because Shelby wouldn’t look at her in the eyes. “You’re quiet.” Shelby shrugged, gazing down at the cigarette butts. She twisted the toes of her shoes over one of the dark clots of ashes. “Do you want to talk about it?” 

Shelby shook her head. Audrey didn’t know what else she had expected. Shelby had always been private; the lifestyle of the limelight had not appealed to her, how everyone invaded her personal life, and Audrey didn’t hope for her to change now, even when Matt was gone. But the cold breeze caused her to shiver.  _ I wish I had a coat to give her.  _ Something about watching Shelby stand there, formerly so proud and now so defeated, broke a part inside of Audrey. She wouldn’t admit it, but she felt she knew Shelby on some special level from the months she had spent acting as her. Watching Shelby, the woman whose mind she had tried to enter, hang her head in defeat made Audrey hang her head, as well. 

The Uber parked beside them on the sidewalk. “Are you Audrey?” The man behind the wheel spat his tobacco into a cup. “Hop on in. What kind of music you want? You want some candy? Some bottled water?” 

Before, Audrey always accepted whatever they offered, but today, she shook her head. “No, thank you.” She knew the dangers of the world, now. “C’mon, Shelby.” 

The ride was silent save for the radio. Audrey didn’t recognize any of the songs. Shelby stared out the window. The streetlights illuminated her face and her ragged hair. Shadows passed through it like a sheer curtain. Audrey wanted to touch it, but she restrained herself. Still, she couldn’t pull her gaze off of Shelby’s ethereal face cast in the silver glow of the navy night. They had survived.  _ But her eyes are so dead, _ Audrey thought despondently. She put her hand in the middle of the seat between them, giving a silent prayer that Shelby would take it. She needed human touch. 

The last person who had touched her willingly was Rory. Audrey closed her eyes and turned her face away. Her body couldn’t decide between ripping every last essence of him from her skin or clinging to every mark he had left on her life. She didn’t know if she wanted to strip him away from her to avoid the pain or remember every joy he had brought her, however brief, however fleeting, in the few months they had been married. The ring on her left hand was heavy. With her hand in her lap, she reached with her thumb and spun the ring around on her digit. The skin there was still freshly sore from the new jewelry. She hadn’t yet acquired a permanent mark on her skin where it had been discolored. What would be left when she took off the ring? How would anyone look at her and know? Did she want them to know? Did she want to know? Or did she want to forget? Forgetting wouldn’t hurt so much. Forgetting him, the sound of his laugh, the dimples of his smile, the way his large hands made her body feel so small and young again… 

Audrey was old, she knew, by a lot of people’s standards. But she was still  _ far _ too young to be a widow--especially when she had never expected to be a widow at all. 

_ “What are you going to do?” _ she had asked him once.  _ “What are you going to do when I’m old and bedridden and you’re still a spry gentleman in your sixties? What are you going to do when I’m gray and frail and you’ve got bachelorettes half your age hurling themselves at you? What are you going to do when your colleagues are astute men bringing their fine wives bouquets to the Academy Awards and you’re alone because your date is six feet under the dirt, an ocean away?”  _

Rory’s smile reflected the sunlight. The California sun  _ was _ Rory in some way. He drank in the rays of light and reflected them even more brightly. Audrey wished she could turn his smile into a solar battery--surely it could power the whole world. His messy auburn hair stuck up in all directions. She reached to smooth a lock of it down, but he took her hand and kissed the back of it.  _ “I’m going to be beside you,”  _ he assured her,  _ “until I can’t be beside you anymore. And then I’ll wait to meet you again. Because I believe in any universe, we are meant to be together. And I believe in any world, I’ll find you again.” _ He held her hand to his face. The skin of his cheeks was smooth, stripped of any beard stubble, and she marveled at the childishness inside of his eyes.  _ “I want you to be my wife, Audrey. People don’t have expiration dates. And neither does my love for you.” _

A soft hand brushed up against the back of hers. Audrey jumped out of her reverie with a yelp. The back of Shelby’s hand rested against hers. Shelby regarded her with her pale eyes glowing silver under the city lights. She didn’t ask any questions, nor did she reach to take Audrey’s hand. She merely looked at her with wide eyes and rosy lips parted in concern. Audrey nodded to her. She didn’t have the words, but she didn’t need them right now. Shelby didn’t need any words.  _ Is this where she’s been all night? Thinking about Matt? _ Audrey found that hard to believe. Matt had cheated on her.  _ He didn’t deserve her. I would never do something like that to her.  _ The thought pattern didn’t strike her as odd as it crossed her mind. 

Shelby was a good person, a good wife. Parts of her had irritated Audrey, where she defended herself sleeping with Dominic or delivered the old line, “It’s never too late for love,” which Audrey had heard enough times to chafe her ossicles. But she hadn’t deserved this. Neither of them had deserved this. No one had deserved it.  _ And yet, here we all are.  _

The face of the hotel brought her some comfort. “Thank you,” Audrey said to the driver as she slid out of the vehicle after Shelby. The steps loomed above them. She led the way inside. Shelby stuck close to her side, eyes averted but clinging to her presence like she feared the night wind would separate them from one another. Audrey took the stairs to her room and unlocked it with a swipe of her keycard. 

The door swung open. There was a single bed, sloppily made. Rory’s coat was draped over one of the pillows; he had realized on the way to the studio that he had forgotten it, but they were running late, so he had chosen to leave it behind. Audrey closed her eyes.  _ I wish he had taken it. I wish I had lost it with the rest of him.  _ Shelby tiptoed around her. Her hand brushed against Audrey’s clothing and jostled them.

Shelby moved around the room. Audrey could hear her every movement. She dropped things, packed things away, zipped up bags, adjusted things, opened doors, closed them. “It’s okay now.” She had moved everything. His shoes, his coat, his open suitcase, his antiperspirant, his shampoo, his razor, his toothbrush--everything. Audrey’s chin trembled.  _ I have to go through everything.  _ Shelby approached her again. Her blue eyes carried so many emotions. Audrey closed her eyes again to avoid seeing them. She didn’t want to feel things right now. She didn’t want to have any responsibilities right now. “We don’t need anything tonight. We can start again tomorrow.” 

_ Tomorrow.  _ She would wake up tomorrow, and she would know a new world wherein Rory did not exist. The words didn’t sound optimistic from Shelby. As she blinked up into Shelby’s eyes, she found nothing but despair there--the thought of a  _ tomorrow _ without her  _ forever _ traumatized her just as much as Audrey. “I don’t want a tomorrow without him.” 

She didn’t know why she wasn’t crying. Her eyes burned with tears. But she had shed too many for one night. “Neither do I.” Shelby stared down at the carpet. “But I don’t think we were given a choice.” 

Audrey grabbed her hand. This time, Shelby didn’t pull away. She tensed, but then she forced herself to ease; Audrey watched the process on her face.  _ I shouldn’t force her.  _ She couldn’t bring herself to let go. “Do you want to shower first?” Pale eyes flickered to her face. Shelby shook her head. She nodded in the direction of the bathroom, inviting Audrey to go ahead. “I don’t want to be alone right now.” When she was naked the last time, she had been with Rory. Rory always made her feel beautiful. She couldn’t bear the thought of seeing herself in the mirror again without him. 

She didn’t think she could be alone without hearing the voices of the Polk family in her mind. If in solitude, the shower water would become Rory’s blood dripping from the trees, from his disemboweled corpse, all over her face. She shuddered at the thought. Shelby placed a hand on her shoulder. “Together?” 

It was a bare whisper, a suggestion, a question. Audrey almost didn’t understand it. But her head bobbed in agreement. 

The bathroom light had a dimmer. Shelby put it on its lowest setting--just light enough for them to see more than total blackness in the room, just enough to make out the little bottles of shampoo and the tiny bars of soap. Audrey turned her back as she stripped her mangled clothes off of her body and dropped them into a heap on the floor. She had no intention of having them washed. She would throw them away. Her blouse had bloodstains. Her slacks were torn. The underwire of her bra had begun to pop out. Her underwear smelled like she hadn’t changed them in days--she hadn’t. 

“Will you help me?” Audrey turned at the abrupt sound of Shelby’s voice. One hand reached the buckle of her bra in back, but her injured shoulder, the wound which the hospital had cleaned and bandaged, refused to bend for her to unfasten it. Her hand pawed at her lower back to no avail. Her fingers danced along the brown moles and freckles on her skin there.  _ I never would have thought she had moles.  _ Shelby’s fingernails scraped against them in absent patterns as she fumbled. The clasp was out of reach, no matter how she tried to bend. She hissed through her teeth in pain. “Please?”

The second word knocked Audrey awake from her dreamland, admiring all of Shelby’s exposed skin. “Yes, yes, of course.” She unclasped the bra from the catch. It fell from Shelby’s shoulders. The inexplicable urge rose within Audrey to rise to her tiptoes and peek over her shoulder to look at her breasts like a curious child. Instead, she focused on the bandaged wound. Shelby picked at the tape and removed it. “Are you sure you should remove that?” 

“I shouldn’t get the dressing wet. I can replace it once it’s dry.”

“Did they tell you it was okay to shower?” 

“I smell like garbage. I’m not going to  _ not _ shower.” 

Audrey didn’t have an argument for that. They were both covered in dirt and blood and sweat and death--she swore the stench of death still clung to both of them, to their clothing, to their hair, to their breath, like it would crawl out from their armpits or thigh brows and attempt to strangle them once again. Death had reached for them more times than she cared to consider. Death had reached out its greedy arms. Somehow, she and Shelby had escaped by folding up themselves small and quiet in the back corner of the room of life, and the straining fingers had missed them.  As they clung to the walls in hiding, their cowardice spared them. Rory had not been so lucky. Rory had always been too brazen for his own good. 

Steam filled the room when she pulled the nozzle for the shower head. Audrey tugged the curtain back and averted her eyes as she waited for Shelby to step under the hot water. Shelby covered her chest with her arms. She stood in the corner of the shower, the water only landing in her hair and rolling down the rest of her body. The urge to look rose within Audrey, but she smothered it and kept her back facing Shelby, as well, mere inches away from one another but minds world apart. Shelby’s body so near to hers stirred a foreign emotion in the pit of her gut which made her feel queasy. She glanced over her shoulder. 

Smattered freckles warmed her heart and drew her attention. Her eyes slid lower to the round cups of her ass. Like a child with poor impulse control, she wanted to swat Shelby’s butt. But then she watched how Shelby struggled to reach her hair. “Let me.” She had worked the shampoo into her greasy locks, but she couldn’t manage all the way to the roots and the tips with her injured shoulder. 

“You don’t have to. My hair is gross.”

“Nonsense.”  _ I have an excuse to touch you.  _ Audrey squirted more of the tiny shampoo bottle contents in her hand and lathered it up into the white foam through Shelby’s pale locks. At the roots of her hair, she scraped her fingernails against her scalp. A tick clung to her.  _ Ew.  _ Audrey plucked it off between her fingernails and tossed it down the drain.  _ I bet I’ve got some, too. _ She had spent more time in the woods than Shelby, after all.  _ Gross.  _ She peeled Shelby’s locks apart, checking her for more bugs, but she found nothing. For good measure, she scrubbed her scalp with her nails. 

To her surprise, Shelby lifted up her head into the scratching. “Thank you…” A soft sigh fluttered from between her lips. “That feels nice.” A drowned spider washed out from between her strands of hair. Audrey said nothing. Before, she would have screamed--undoubtedly, if she had ever washed a bug out of Rory’s hair, he would have had to coax her back into sharing a bed with him again. She might have seen it as grounds for a divorce.  _ I’m in love with you, but I can’t take bugs,  _ she would have said. But now, she had seen much worse than a spider in someone’s hair. 

The thick suds washed out of Shelby’s hair all gray and discolored, leaving her hair a brighter shade, carrying a cleaner scent. Audrey took a step back. To her surprise, Shelby bumped her to turn around. “Let me.” 

“You’ve only one arm.” 

“You’ve got short hair. How many arms do I need?” 

Her American accent was so cute. Audrey didn’t have the heart to laugh, but a tiny, inauthentic smile broke her expression. She bowed her head into Shelby’s light touch. The soap raked through her hair as Shelby worked it into her hair and her scalp. Something pinched the top of her head. “You’ve got ticks--they’re all over. Hold still.”  _ Oh, great. _ She should have anticipated her evening foraying out in the woods like some kind of mountain man would leave her bug-ridden. Shelby carefully parted her hair. She stood on her tiptoes to get a clear view of the top of Audrey’s scalp. She pinched another tick off by its head. It tugged Audrey’s hair. “Lean back for me.” 

The task had occupied Shelby’s problem-solving mind. Audrey tilted her head back. Shelby plucked another insect from the hollow at the bottom of her skull. As she stood on her tiptoes, pressing nearer to see behind Audrey’s ears and on the flat top of her head, her breasts touched Audrey’s back. Her teeth sank into the tip of her tongue to keep her from hitching a breath. “Sorry,” Shelby said as Audrey hissed in pain at the sharp pulling on her hair. “That one was hanging on. Will you lift up your arms? They’re all over your back.”

Reluctantly, Audrey lifted her arms. “I found one on you, too.” Shelby pinched another one off of her shoulder blade and then from the small of her back and then her armpit and her side and her hip. Shelby’s tender fingertips rested on the top of her buttock as she plucked another tick off of her.  _ Must I? _ She spun at Shelby’s instruction, eyes closed to keep the shampoo from running into them--the bugs had distracted Shelby from her task of washing Audrey’s hair. Audrey rinsed the soap suds from her hair and blew her wet bangs out of her eyes. She opened her eyes, intent on telling Shelby to spin as some petty form of revenge. But Shelby pressed one hand to Audrey’s abdomen. 

The hand landed just below her left breast, framing it and her bottom ribs as she intently leaned down with both eyes on Audrey’s tummy. This time, Audrey couldn’t prevent the taut breath from tightening in her chest. Shelby’s fingers flicked up the butt of a tick attached beneath the xiphoid process of her sternum. Audrey held her breath. Shelby had bent over. Her round rump protruded with the cellulite jiggling with every slight shift she made. The ridges of her spine were visible, not quite protruding but not covered, either. One of Audrey’s hands brushed across the planes of Shelby’s shoulders. Pale eyes darted up at her from below, peering at her face between her breasts. Audrey blushed and averted her eyes and removed her hand, ashamed of her actions. With a quick snatch, the tick fell to the floor and went down the drain with its friends, leaving only a red mark behind in its wake. 

Shelby stood. Her back popped audibly. Audrey was afraid to move her eyes from the tile floor. “Will you check me?” She couldn’t keep herself from sweeping her eyes over Shelby’s exposed body, the pudge to her belly, the stretch marks on her sides and on her breasts, the way her nipples swooped out to the side and protruded with tiny rosebud tips and areolas slightly larger than fifty pence pieces. Audrey bobbed her head. Her voice still wouldn’t come. 

Holding her arms above her head, Shelby spun. Audrey stopped her to grab a tick on the underside of her bicep. A surprising tuft of cream-colored hair coiled around her fingers as she threw away the six-legged parasites. Audrey said nothing--the amount of hair on Shelby’s body was absolutely none of her business, no matter how much her initial inclinations told her to pass judgment--but Shelby explained anyway, pink tinting her cheeks, “When Matt stopped caring, so did I… It’s not very natural, anyway.”

“Waxing doesn’t fit in with your kale smoothie lifestyle? Who would’ve dreamt.” Audrey dropped to her knees when she spotted a cluster of ticks below Shelby’s navel. The thick bush of hair was slicked down to her pubic mound, out of the way. “Hold still.” The pudge of Shelby’s belly twitched as she pinched the first of the ticks between her thumb and forefinger. “You’ve got them colonizing your tummy down here.” 

Her eyes kept darting down to the thick, wiry hair inches away from her chin. How long had it been since she last let herself grow? Only a few months--she remembered it well, noticing the spiky gray hairs in her pubic hair like barbed wire guarding her vagina and warding off any potential pleasure-bringers. In shame, she had taken her razor and chiseled away until her vulva was as bare as a child’s. When Rory undressed her next, he frowned.  _ “What happened to my landing strip?”  _ he whined.  _ “How am I supposed to know which house is mine without a welcome mat?” _

She laughed. “ _ It was time for a change _ .” Rory hadn’t pressed her anymore than that. He loved her in whatever body she gave him, but she did make every effort to give him a young body like his own. She never told him the truth. Now, she wished she would have. 

“Audrey?” Brown eyes raised to Shelby’s face from below. The ticks were gone. “You’ve been staring into my bellybutton like a kaleidoscope.” Audrey’s knees hurt. Mumbling an apology, she rose unsteadily and braced herself against the wall as she loosened up her stiff legs. There were no more ticks on Shelby’s body, she found when she scanned her, and they both faced the wall again and washed their bodies in relative silence with washcloths. 

After the silence stretched on for eons, Shelby asked, “What do you feel?” 

The cold wall pressed to Audrey’s forehead. “Empty. Numb.” Shelby didn’t reply immediately. Audrey looked at her back. “What about you?” 

“The same, I think.”

“You think?”

“I don’t know how I feel.” 

“Me, neither.” 

Their bruised and battered bodies eased under the hot water until it ran out, and then they dressed in the robes Audrey had brought with her and left the bathroom. “You can use my toothbrush,” Audrey offered, even though the suggestion made her feel a little nauseous. “I’ll use Rory’s.”  _ I’ll never taste the inside of his mouth again.  _

Shelby shook her head. “I’ll buy one tomorrow.” Tugging back the covers, her brow quirked as she stared down at the mattress. “Ew--Audrey! No offense, but that’s disgusting.” 

Audrey approached from across the room with a bag of mixed nuts and dried fruit. “What?” she asked, her brow quirked. 

“I’m not touching it.” 

In the middle of the bed rested a crumpled up, used condom. Audrey’s irritation at Shelby faded, replaced with embarrassment. She cleared her throat. “You’re right. That’s minging.” She picked up the condom, pinching it awkwardly between her thumb and forefinger and trying not to think too much about its weight or its contents. Had some of Rory’s sperm outlived him?  _ He would make a horrid joke about it, if he were here now. _ Her appetite suddenly didn’t accommodate the nuts and berries anymore. She dropped the condom into the trashcan and got two bottles of water. “You can have the other side of the bed.” 

Shelby plopped onto the bed with a quiet sigh. Audrey followed her and offered the high brow trail mix and the Fiji water. Shelby took the water. “No, thanks. I’m not hungry.” She cleared her throat as she cracked the bottled water open and took a few deep swallows. 

The room grew silent save for the sound of Audrey chomping on the trail mix, which she didn’t really want. Her stomach hurt. She worried she would be sick if she kept eating. But she knew she would be sick if she didn’t eat, too. She held the bag open to Shelby. “Take a handful. You’ll be sick tomorrow if you don’t. We haven’t eaten in days.” 

Following instructions, Shelby did take a handful. The silence was uncomfortable. “I thought you guys would’ve been past the point of using condoms.” Audrey almost choked. A raisin sputtered out of her open mouth. “No, I don’t mean--sorry. Sorry. I just needed to have something to say.” 

“I--I don’t--What is that even supposed to  _ mean? _ ” Shelby looked at Audrey as she picked through the dried cranberries. “Do you prefer sex unprotected? Not knowing where the knob has been before it goes in you? Or peeing on a stick in a panic in a few weeks?” 

Covering her mouth with her hand, Shelby shook her head. “Didn’t you get tested before you tied the knot?”

“Well, of course.” 

“So?”

“So?” Audrey repeated. “Did you miss the part about peeing on a stick? I abhor children.” 

Shrugging, Shelby sheepishly averted her eyes. She took another handful of trail mix. “I assume you’re not exactly high risk, though, being… past your peak.” 

“ _ Excuse me? _ ” Audrey had spent the evening wishing Shelby would say more, but now that Shelby had found her voice again, she remembered how infuriating she was. Even a few nights of watching all of their friends and family die in violent horrible ways could not curb Shelby’s tendency to say the absolute worst things possible. Shelby held up her hands in surrender, but she dropped nuts and berries all over the bed, and then she scrambled to pick them up and shove them into her mouth. Beginning to eat had awakened her appetite. “How old do you think I am?”

Sticking another almond in her mouth, Shelby’s pale eyes held hers. “Is it okay if I don’t answer that question?” Audrey’s eyes flashed with anger and hurt at Shelby’s assumptions and dismissals thrown around like tear gas at a riot. Shelby swallowed hard. “I don’t know… forty-five?” Audrey looked away. “Is that wrong?” 

“I’m forty-three.” 

“Oh, you’re right. I was  _ way _ off. Those two years are absolutely the difference between being middle-aged and being geriatric.” Audrey looked away. “Hey… I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said any of that. It wasn’t very nice.” 

“No, it wasn’t.”

Audrey would never have admitted it, but she was glad they were talking about something. She was glad they had moved on from their ceaseless, silent grief. As long as they were talking, even if they were bickering, even if they hated each other, they weren’t thinking. They weren’t stewing in their silence. Shelby raised her eyebrows. “Alright, then. How old do you think I am?” 

Considering for a moment, Audrey finally landed on the roundest number that occurred to her. “Twenty-five.”

Shelby choked. She started laughing. It was a shrill, hysterical sort of laugh that came from days of going without sleep. “I’m flattered. You’re so kind.” 

“Twenty-six?” Audrey tried again, but Shelby’s giggling didn’t quiet. She threw her head back into the awful pillows which provided no neck support. “Tell me!” Shelby shook her head. She reached for another handful of the trail mix. Audrey wrapped up the bag and pulled it off of her hand. “Tell me, or no more food.”

Obstinate, Shelby shook her head. “No, I’m not telling you!” She rolled over and grabbed at the bag of trail mix. “I’m a mystery to you!”Audrey held the bag out of reach. “Give it to me!” Shelby’s straining for the bag sent her crawling over Audrey’s body. Her hands served as pinching crab claws. Audrey’s arm stretched to its maximum, but Shelby still clambered after the food. The side of the bed left her teetering. She began to slide. 

Audrey dropped the bag. Both of her hands caught Shelby around the waist and dragged her back onto the bed. Shelby flopped on top of her with her lost balance. All of the air whooshed out of her lungs. The shaking of laughter through Shelby’s chest rattled into her own, but gradually, it slowed, until the ragged sounds she produced were a mix of heaving and sobbing. Audrey’s arms wrapped around Shelby. The sheer nightgowns barred little of their bodies from one another. Shelby’s raw bawls of grief buried into Audrey’s chest. Her wet hair dragged across Audrey’s face and left streaks there. The streaks disguised her tears. Shelby’s good arm strung around Audrey’s neck. The other pressed to her chest beside her own cheek. 

Eventually, her breath leveled from uneven gasps to the regular, silent sighs. Shelby lingered there with her cheek on Audrey’s chest. “I’m thirty-four.” 

Audrey’s hand dragged through Shelby’s wet, tangled hair. The bag of trail mix was discarded on the floor. “Do you really think I’m past my prime?” 

Round blue eyes met Audrey’s, filled with exhaustion and grief. “No…” She shook her head. “No, I don’t… I’m sorry I was so mean to you.” Audrey scratched her scalp like she had before, and Shelby closed her eyes, relishing in the touch like a cat rubbing its face into its owner’s palm. “I was jealous of you…” 

This surprised Audrey. “You were?” 

“Mhm.” She looked back at Audrey, and then her eyes became distant in memory. “When the show first aired, and Matt and I were fighting… We were fighting all the time.” She shook her head as if in pain. A glossy layer of tears appeared on her eyes. “We didn’t have sex for weeks--months. We watched the show together, and after the scene with you, with Dominic… That did it for him. We had sex that night.” Audrey cupped her face in her hand. Shelby kept talking. “That was the last time. I kept finding him--masturbating--” Her voice cracked. “But he wouldn’t let me touch him anymore. I went with Dominic, I thought, maybe, if I could make Matt jealous--but he didn’t even care enough to be jealous, Audrey, it was so horrible.” 

No more tears fell. Audrey wished Shelby would cry so she could wipe away her tears, but nothing fell from her eyes at all. She caressed Shelby’s head, hoping to soothe her. The show had brought Audrey her happiness, however brief she had known it. The show--and its preceding events--had ripped everything from Shelby. “I would have done anything for him. He was the only man I ever loved. I just--” A fragmented cry emerged from her. “I was so angry, I didn’t know what I was doing because everything hurt so much… But if I had been thinking, I would have killed myself instead of him.” 

The tender hand pawed over Shelby’s face. “Shelby, don’t say that.”

She shook her head. “It’s true. He could’ve been happy without me. I can never be happy without him. I couldn’t live knowing what he did to me--I should have killed myself--” 

Audrey lifted her up by the shoulders. Shelby’s distraught blue eyes met hers, shimmering but shedding no tears. Audrey traced the underside of her jaw with her index finger. “I never would have done something like that to you.” She lifted Shelby’s chin with her finger. “You didn’t deserve that. What he did was wrong. Maybe he didn’t deserve to die for it. But he didn’t deserve happiness, either. Not when he treated you like that.” 

The arm around Audrey’s neck tightened, pulling Shelby closer, as she kissed her. Shelby’s lips were moist and chapped. She tasted like soot and ash. She tasted like death. Audrey tilted her head back into Shelby’s kiss. Her mouth opened. Shelby’s warm tongue slithered inside with their noses bumping. 

Audrey sucked on her tongue. Shelby pulled away. Their foreheads bumped against one another’s. “You’re so beautiful, Audrey,” Shelby breathed to her. “You’re so beautiful…” Her wet hair hung in rank, heavy curtains between them. “Let me show you.” 

Sweeping a lock of hair behind her ear, Audrey nibbled on her lower lip. “You’re tired. You’re hurt. You don’t want this.” Shelby lunged to kiss her again. She relaxed into the kiss, but then she broke it. “I don’t want to do anything we might regret in the morning, love.” 

A quiet chuckle left Shelby’s lips. “I regret my whole life up until this point.” She cupped Audrey’s face between her palms. “If I regret you, it will be among the smallest of mistakes I ever made. So much that I think making the mistake is worth the pleasure I’ll derive from it.” 

“Is that so?” Audrey pushed herself up onto her elbows and kissed her again. “Keep your weight off your arm.” She kissed the junction between Shelby’s neck and shoulder and lifted the nightgown off of her body. It fell into the floor with the bag of trail mix. Now, she had no shame in studying Shelby’s gorgeous naked body. It crossed her mind for only a moment, wondering what Rory would think of her, having sex with someone else in the last place they had made love.  _ She needs me. I need her. Rory will forgive me.  _ Shelby sank into the pillows. Audrey rolled on top of her and sank her teeth into her collarbone. 

As her teeth bit into Shelby’s sensitive skin and began to suck, she tossed her head back with a quiet moan. “God, it’s been  _ months _ \--” Shelby spread her legs wantonly across the bed. Audrey’s hands covered her breasts. Her thumbs stimulated the erect nipples, tracing the little bumps around the areolas and the crevices appearing within the rosebud nubs. “Yes! Do that!”

Audrey chuckled. “Shush! We’re in a hotel! People can hear you!”

“I don’t care what people hear!” Then, Shelby raised her voice. “My name’s Shelby Miller, and I’m about to have lesbian sex with the actress Aud--” Audrey lunged up and covered her mouth with her hand, shushing her with her eyes flashing. “What is it, fancy pants? You don’t want anyone to know you’re here?” Shelby framed Audrey’s face in her hands. “We’ve got nothing left to lose, darling… Nothing but each other.” 

_ She’s right.  _ Audrey had her career, but she doubted she’d have an easy time finding roles after this week--and any interviews would undoubtedly surround the nights she had spent suffering at Return to Roanoke. Shelby kissed her again, and she rolled her over. “Let me start… You look like you’ve never touched a woman before in your life.” She grabbed the nightgown by its lower hem, and then she tossed it aside. Peppered kisses smattered all over Audrey’s neck and shoulders. Shelby attacked her chest with passion and heat. She framed her breasts between her hands. Her moist lips wrapped around the erect brown nipples. Audrey panted with desire. A flame ignited in the pit of her stomach and crawled downward, and as it did, the backs of her eyes stung with tears. 

Shelby nibbled on her breasts. The tip of her tongue stimulated her nipples, but her teeth grazed the tender skin there and suckled until she left small, mouth-shaped bruises all over. The tiny red marks where she had found ticks vanished beneath her tongue. Sensation crackled through Audrey’s body. Whatever she felt, it wasn’t numbness, not anymore. Shelby’s weak hand slid down her abdomen, over her navel, toward her stubble-covered pubic mound. Her strong hand teased the breast opposite the one she had closed her teeth around. She dipped her mouth below the nipple on Audrey’s right breast and sucked on the fatty flesh where the breast rose up from her rib cage. Her tongue darted out to explore the junction there, the crease where her breasts sagged without support. 

Audrey’s hands curled into Shelby’s wet hair. “Shelby,” she whispered. “I--I didn’t shave. Maybe we shouldn’t…” She wiggled with aroused discomfort. But what if Shelby was disgusted by her? Her insecurities burbled to the top. 

The nose brushing down her midline paused. “I don’t mind,” Shelby said quietly. “I haven’t shaved in months… I’m practically a blonde monkey compared to you.” She planted a tender kiss above Audrey’s navel. “Don’t be insecure… I think you’re beautiful.” She nuzzled into the hand in her hair, kissing the palm of her hand. “Definitely the prettiest actor I’ve ever gotten in bed. You blow Dominic all the way out of the theater.”

The joke mitigated her worries, and she relaxed into the pillows with a quiet, nervous giggle. Shelby peppered little pecks down from her belly button to the crease where her pubic stubble began. She sucked on the brow of delicate, intimate fat above her hip bone. Then, she hooked her fingers into her panties and discarded them. Audrey quivered. Shelby’s hands were softer than anyone else’s. Shelby nudged her legs apart. Face flaming with shame, Audrey hiked her legs up and spread them. Shelby planted a hand on each of her inner thighs. She dragged her wet lips and her nose from the thigh brow down to her knee and back up again. “You smell really good.”

Her words sent a hiccup of anxious desire through Audrey. She arched her back off of the bed before Shelby even touched her. “Ah… Go--Go ahead,” she said, uncertain if Shelby needed reassurance before she began. A faint kiss pressed to the top of her labia where they split. “Oh!” The pressure on her enlarged clitoris made her jump with pleasure. “That--That feels good…”  

Shelby smiled into her vulva. With one hand, she split Audrey’s outer labia between her fingers. Then, her tongue flicked out of her mouth. Starting at the vestibule of her vagina, she licked upward, dragging some of Audrey’s flavored wetness with her. “Mm…” Shelby purred against her soft flesh. The tip of her tongue found the crus of Audrey’s clitoris and followed it from the right side up toward the bulb. But, as Audrey tensed in anticipation, Shelby skipped the most delicate part. Audrey tossed her head back and whined aloud. She scratched Shelby’s scalp with her fingernails, hoping to encourage her. “Mm…” She trailed back down the other side of her clitoris, dodging the sensitive bulb and hood without another thought. 

“Please, Shelby…” Audrey’s hips twitched upward. Her mortified face flamed with shame. The prickly stubble all over her lower lips scratched at Shelby’s face, but the other woman didn’t breathe the first word of a complaint. The tongue between her legs danced in circles around the nub of her clitoris. No matter how she wriggled, Shelby effectively dodged the most sensitive point on her body. “Oh, please!” 

A single digit rounded the outside of her vagina. “Oh--” Audrey choked on her words at the sensation. The fingertip probed right outside the entrance to her body. “Oh, heavens…” She cleared her throat. “Ah--yes!” The single word provided confirmation to Shelby. The finger slithered into Audrey’s wet vagina. “Oh, god, that’s nice!” The muscles in her abdomen clenched. She puffed out a long breath to relax them. “That’s nice. Really nice.” She shivered with need. “Shelby… please, touch me!” 

The finger curled inside of her and massaged the delicate, spongy place there. “Oh!” Audrey’s eyes rolled back. “Oh, my  _ lord, _ I’ve never--” Nothing had ever touched her there before, not quite like Shelby just had. Her immense pleasure quivered in her clitoris. “Shelby, I’m begging you!” 

Tongue traveling upward, Shelby placed the flat of it on top of her clitoris. “Oh!” Audrey’s lower lip trembled. Tears built behind her eyes. The tense physical feelings within her mixed with her burbling unresolved emotions. Salty drops slid paths down her face. “Oh--” Her throat closed up, choking out the sound. “Shelby,” she whispered. Taking deep breaths became difficult. Shelby lifted her face from her vulva. “Don’t stop!” Audrey’s voice quivered in distress. “Please, don’t stop!” 

Shelby hesitated, but then she obeyed, pressing her mouth back against Audrey’s vulva. She moved faster, this time using the tip of her tongue. She ground her lower jaw against her clitoris. A long moan released from Audrey’s lungs, broken by hiccups of despair. Something larger pushed into her vagina--another finger. With an unfamiliar rhythm, Shelby massaged the patch of nerves inside her body. “Ngh! Oh--” The fire of arousal coursed all through her lower body as the waves rose and fell, threatening to overtake her at any moment. “Shelby, I think--I think I’m gonna--” The flame built inside of her. Shelby tindered the fire, and Audrey was the fodder. “Oh, heavens!” 

The tight mouth slurped on her clitoris. Audrey felt herself tightening. Squeezing her eyes shut, she released herself. Sparks exploded behind her eyes. Her toes curled into the sheets. Her fingers curled into Shelby’s hair. She thrust her breasts into the air. Tingles waved through her lower body. “Oh, fuck! Oh, Shelby!” 

Her vagina clenched a final time around Shelby’s fingers. She shuddered into loosening herself up. Cheeks wet with tears, Audrey peered down at her. Shelby opened her mouth and stuck one of the fingers inside, sucking it clean. At the sight, Audrey’s nipples hardened. She pushed herself up. Shelby offered her other protruding finger.  _ Gross.  _ She opened her mouth to receive it. 

Whatever she had expected her lubricant to taste like, this wasn’t it. Audrey wrapped her hand around Shelby’s wrist and licked it until she had swallowed all traces of herself. Her body still quivered with distress. Shelby leaned forward and pecked the tears from her cheeks. “Are you okay?” Shelby whispered to the auricle of her ear. She caressed Audrey’s cheek, wiping away the wet streaks with her thumbs. Audrey nodded. “Are you sure?” 

Audrey bobbed her head and swallowed hard. “Show me what to do.” She flipped them over and hooked her fingers into Shelby’s panties, tugging them down and off of her ass. Shelby lifted her hips to help her wiggle them off. They landed in the heap of clothing and trail mix on the floor. “Show me.”

Stacking the pillows behind her, Shelby spread her legs wide apart. Her thick, fuzzy mound of hair had curls pointing in all directions. “Do what you like… I’ll tell you if I don’t want it.” Audrey lowered her face to Shelby’s breasts and nibbled on top of one.  _ What I like.  _ She liked the idea of suckling on Shelby’s beautiful breasts until she forgot her own name and only remembered the taste of her skin. She liked the pale flesh and how easily she could mark it with bruises--she did. She sank her teeth into the top of the breast and sucked on it, bit it, until she drew back and the dark red marks didn’t fade. “Ah!” Shelby gasped the soft sound. “I like that. Do it again.” 

The request rested easily for Audrey. She repeated the bite on Shelby’s other breast. This time, she sucked longer and harder. Her mouth closed around Shelby’s nipple, but she didn’t bite it. She softened her mouth, there, using the tip of her tongue to flick across the pink bud. “Mm,” she hummed against Shelby’s body. Her hand dipped lower, between Shelby’s legs. She grazed her fingers through her thick pubic hair. The curls were somehow both coarse and soft, wiry in how they wrapped around her fingers and dragged her down into the depths of Shelby’s body. 

Sliding lower, Shelby gasped and moaned whenever she felt something she liked; she had few reservations. Fuzzy legs brushed up against Audrey’s bare body as they hooked around her before she hiked them apart again. “God, Audrey,  _ hurry up! _ ” Audrey chuckled right into Shelby’s navel. Shelby had rushed through nothing with her, and she intended to return the favor. She licked across the trail of hair from Shelby’s belly button going downward. 

The heady aroma of woman rose to her from below, but it wasn’t bad. She planted her hands on Shelby’s thighs and got her first taste with no hesitation. With her mouth open, she flicked the tip of her tongue across Shelby’s clitoris. It twitched back against her muscle. “Ah! Audrey!” Fluid dribbled out of Shelby’s body. Audrey pushed her middle and ring finger into her. “Oh,  _ shit, _ that’s good!” Shelby shuddered and quivered against her. Her thighs framed Audrey’s face. Every twitch of her muscles bled through into Audrey’s cheeks. Her coiled, tense muscles encouraged her. 

Exploring Shelby’s vulva was a new craft for her. Audrey pushed her fingers into her partner and withdrew them and pushed them in again, curling them forward with each insertion. At the first touch, she struggled to find the exact location, but she knew it when she found it; Shelby cried out, and her nipples pebbled and stood erect, and she bucked her hips, and her vagina clenched tight around her fingers. She stroked the delicate place with the skin like a walnut shell. 

Audrey closed her eyes and relished in the velvety, smooth sensation of a woman’s insides. She stroked the walls deep inside of her, soaking in the squishy feeling of all of Shelby’s lubrication. She dipped her face downward and licked the inner labia. Shelby shuddered. “God, please, Audrey--touch me.” Her hands reached down and grabbed her thighs, dragging them apart, widening the gap. “Please! I’m begging you, I need it!”

Smirking into her vulva, Audrey repeated the motion Shelby had done to her--following the crus of her clitoris while dodging the erect pearl nestled in her deepest places. She quivered. Shelby threw her head back, crying out in frustration. Her vagina squeezed around Audrey’s fingers, as if she thought she could get some stimulus from drawing the fingers deeper into her body. The tip of her tongue circled her clitoris without touching it. 

The first touch relieved Shelby in the form of a loose gasping sound. She arched her chest upward, her hips grinding against Audrey’s mouth. “Yes! Yes! Oh, like that--I’m so wet, I’m so close!” Audrey flicked once with the tip of her tongue. Shelby almost howled in frustration. Audrey flicked again. She shivered. Her hips bucked upward, unable to hold themselves still. “God, Audrey, you’re torturing me!”  _ Not torture. Far from torture.  _ Shelby whined and whimpered. Her pathetic noises tingled between Audrey’s legs. 

After one more flick left Shelby outraged and near tears, Audrey pressed the flat of her tongue against her partner’s clitoris and ground it with her lower jaw, slurping at her clitoris. The few loose contractions of Shelby’s vagina tightened abruptly. “Oh,  _ yes, _ I’m coming!” The announcement surely could have been heard in the next room over. Audrey prayed there weren’t any children there. “I’m cuh--I’m coming! Oh!” The long moan accompanied the rapid clenches of Shelby’s vagina. Contractions rushed through her muscular walls. 

As her clitoris stopped twitching and her vagina loosened, Audrey pulled herself free and wiped her hand off on the bedsheets. Shelby lay on her back, gazing at the ceiling and panting. Sweat rolled off of her body. She winced as a few beads of sweat trickled into her shoulder wound. “You think we ought to bandage it again?” Audrey asked, glancing at it in detail for the first time. Shelby shook her head. “Does it hurt?” 

“I’m fine,” Shelby reassured. She took Audrey by her wrist and tugged her down beside her. “Lie with me. I need you.” Tears stung in Audrey’s eyes again. She unscrewed the cap to her water bottle and took a long drink. Then, she pressed it to Shelby’s lips. Shelby took a few deep swallows as Audrey held it, keeping it from drowning her. Audrey pulled back. Shelby’s unsteady breaths leveled out. She put her head in Audrey’s lap. Audrey dragged her fingers through Shelby’s long hair. “I’ll miss you,” she said in a croak. “When I leave. When you leave.” 

Audrey’s hand tightened. She closed her eyes. Tears slid down her face, and she prayed to whatever higher power was out there that Shelby didn’t see them. “I know. You’re the only one who understands.” Shelby nuzzled into her hand. “But… we have to go somewhere. We can’t stay here… This is no place for us, either of us.” 

“I’m going to Los Angeles. Hollywood. You could come. My mom, she would let you… She probably wouldn’t stop asking you about all your movies, though.”

A dry chuckle left Audrey’s lips. She wiped away her tears with the back of her hand and glanced down to Shelby in her lap, whose eyes had closed. “That’s sweet.”  _ Imagine the scandal, _ she thought. The public had gone wild enough when Shelby and Dominic had had their affair. What would they think if she and Shelby went public? What would they think if the tapes went public showing Shelby killing Matt?  _ Who cares what the public thinks? _ “We can think about all that stuff tomorrow, love.” She shifted Shelby’s head out of her lap and lay down beside her, spreading out the pillows so they could lie on one another’s arms. 

“Audrey?” Shelby’s peeped voice drew her out of her reverie. “I know I’m really tired right now, and my body hurts like a bitch, and I’m not exactly in my right mind, but…” She drifted off for a moment. Audrey nudged her pointedly in an invitation. “In the morning, if you decide it’s best for us to part ways, will you let me down easily? I don’t think I can take more heartbreak in this life.” 

Parting ways? It sounded so painful. “I don’t want to leave you, love.” Shelby pursed her lips into a pout. “But I promise. Tomorrow, or any other time in the future… If something calls me away from you, I’ll do everything I can to treat you gently, as long as you do the same for me.” 

Shelby nodded. “Of course, Audrey.” She kissed her on the mouth. “It would be silly to wish you sweet dreams, wouldn’t it?” 

“Yes… But sweet dreams, sweetheart.” 

“Sweet dreams.” 

They lingered there in the dim light, afraid to turn off the lamp, afraid to look away from one another’s eyes, afraid of what they would see in the shadows. 


End file.
